All Flesh Must Be Eaten: Brains for Beaumont

There have been a spate of bloody murders in Benson in the past few weeks. Now two young girls have gone missing and Detective Damien Mustafa (new arrival Martin) is assigned the case. Along with his partner Dean Kowalski (Charlie) he arrives at the crime scene and interviews the officer on site, deputy Clayton, who proves to be:

  • A good ol’ boy
  • Recently bereaved
  • Incapable of distinguishing the words “Mustafa” and “Obama”

Clayton’s day just keeps on getting better; now local TV journo Madison Cruz (Jo) arrives, poking her damned nose in. Shee-it. Doreen, where’s that damned coffee?

Father Augustus Grieve (Jules)  is already at the house, consoling the parents Herb and Pearl. He decides to poke around the girls’ bedroom, where he is certain he detects hints of the cloven hoof at work. See how the air turns icy cold? The desk drawer rattles alarmingly, though it contains naught but a child’s picture? ‘Tis the horned one’s machinations, of that you can be sure. Detective Obama remains unimpressed; Grieve is disrupting his pristine crime scene.

Now a hairy-arsed biker sticks his head through the window. Is this a crime scene or a Village People reunion? The biker, it turns out, is Cody “Skunk-knuckle” Kowalski, brother of officer Dean and leader of the Benson Chapter of the Hogfuckers biker gang. And the owner of Bessie and Sue, the two finest bloodhounds in the state.

Then- holy shit! The bed lifts right up off the floor and slams down again. Satan’s work! The group high-tail it out of there and follow the dogs, who lead them to the grave of one Jarvis Beaumont, Cody’s high school buddy and the victim of a grisly murder several years ago. And look, there he is, all rotting and spectral in the distance. No, hang on, he’s gone again. What’s that Doreen? Deputy Clayton’s acting a bit odd? We’ll be right there, once we’ve done digging up consecrated ground and crashing into fire hydrants.

Oh dear. Herb and Pearl seem to have gone a bit necrotic. Doesn’t stop them from munching on the good Detective though. Zom nom nom. Time for some good old fashioned excessive violence; zombie brains paint the walls.

Now where is that Clayton? Back at the cemetery? We’re off! And so are Clayton’s companions. There he is, huddled and soiled, as the recent murder victims (his dear old mom included) rise from their graves to eat his brains. And there, leading the whole sick crew, are the rotting remains of Jarvis Beaumont.

Cody races in on his bike, demanding that Jarvis tell him where the girls are. Ms Cruz beats at zombies with her laptop, Damien fires from behind cover (the big girl), Dean “hard man walks” (apparently) and Father Grieve calls down HOLY FIRE upon the spawn of darkness. Then Cody is struck by a vision; Clayton, Herb and others murdering poor simple Jarvis all those years ago. Fury  and revenge have called Jarvis from his grave. Fair enough shrugs Cody, and shoves deputy Clayton towards Jarvis. Father Grieve knows suddenly that the girls are safe at home. Guns go off, confusion reigns, and when the dust settles Beaumont is gone, and deputy Clayton lies dead in the dirt.

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