Icons: Mars Attacks

The genius of Martian science has been applied to the problem of infiltrating planet earth, and has conceived the Bots, mechanised simulacrums of earth beings capable of transporting our Martian bodies undetected within.

Our infiltration team is as follows:

Our mission is to destroy the human Death Ray located in Pa-Ris that threatens our mothership, and to destroy the Great Anal Probe situated in Lon-Don. All hail the Supreme Martian!

We arrive in a location designated Ger-Many, where we encounter indigenous life forms. Nyaak’s Fear of Animals causes him to cower and tremble, and for some reason the earth being does not seem to have a positive reaction to Communications Officer Blaark. Zeeksh attempts to utilise the creature as transport, preventing it from escaping by melting its eyes. We discover an inert Tripod that Blaark animates, the captain commandeers a transportation device after having its fuel drained, and we capture and destroy an earth being in an assault vehicle.

We locate a transportation route and intercept an earth vehicle. One of the occupants emerges and moves to attack Blaark with its anal probe. The creature is swiftly dispatched. Next Yazar, using his Affinity for Children, attempts to interrogate the smaller vehicular occupants. Blaark’s telepathy reveals that Blaark’s form is that of a powerful Earth Prince, but also indicates that the earth young are corrupted, favouring a different branch of earth royalty.

We commandeer the vehicle, and with the aid of Nyaak’s mental possession powers we are soon clear of other earth vehicles. Our Captain destroys an earth border checkpoint (Nya-ha-ha!), and we soon arrive in Pa-Ris. There we find 8 whirlyblues waiting for us. Yazark moves the vehicle into a dimension of dancing mushroom, green pipes and plumbers, but we are forced to leave when a large monkey starts hurling barrels at us. However the dimensional shift has got us past the whirlyblues, who start to fire at us with puny earther weapons.

Nyaak possesses one whirlyblue and has it shoot its compatriots, whilst Yazark hangs one of the captured earth  young out of the back window to serve as a shield. We reach our first goal; the Death Ray is protected by a group of earth beings, some with shoulder mounted weapons, and one earth female with an anal probe. Nyaak possesses the female and has it use the probe on itself.

The captain deploys his Demoleculiser on the alien Death Ray which demoleculises, to the great surprise of the earther occupants. Objective One complete! As the captain rightly says, “Ha! Ha! Nya-ha-ha!”

Now a long-nosed earther vehicle attacks. Blaark animates the vehicle, causing its occupants to get shot out of the nose, and after some modifications we fly the vehicle over the big blue area towards the Great Anal Probe. We are attacked by two earther flying vehicles and soon see them off, though we lose the Construction Bot in the process. However we now face a graver challenge; we are losing altitude having used up the last of the earth being fuel and earth young. The pilot dimensional shifts us to a place of clouds and rainbow bridges, where we are approached by a large earth being in armour with a spear. The pilot draws the obvious conclusion; this is a pole dancer. It’s a dance-off!

Next we raid an earth being “theme park” for more fuel, then fly to the Great Anal Probe, which the captain inverts with his Invertorisor (much to the occupants’ surprise). The Probe is tipped and crashes down, opening the path for the mighty Martian invasion fleet to swoop down on the hapless earthers. Nya-Ha-ha-ha-ha-haa!

Which all goes to prove, never EVER give your players control of reality.

5 Responses to “Icons: Mars Attacks”

  1. Richard Smith Says:

    ….. words fail me …..

  2. This was easily the most f***ed up session I have ever had. Great fun though!

  3. I would like to be let it known, that this has all come out of our own twisted brains we did noke smoke/inhale/inject anything for this mad game to unfold :p

    I had GREAT fun, its long ago since ive laughed so much…and damn its hard keeping up as a GM when 5 lunatics have been loosed in the world 🙂

  4. And this was the edited version. I missed out loads just to keep the word count down to something manageable and the guilty parties out of prison. Without question the craziest night’s RPing I’ve ever played, many many thanks Stefan!

  5. Zarcon the Destroyer Says:


    Best night of RPG ever

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